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Balancing the Federal Budget
Hey, asshole. Sure, the gloves get rid of the fingerprints, but the sleeves are a dead giveaway. As the nation’s deficit continues to skyrocket, politicians are scrambling to come up with solutions to...
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New England Dairy Farmers Gather to Bitch, Moan
Apparently, "fair" means propped up by the government and paid for by the consumers. New England dairy farmers are asking the public to pay more for milk. As part of Keep Local Farms, organizers set up...
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The Audacity of the Same Old Shit
Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right. As many of you may have noticed, I am way less than thrilled with the current President. It’s not so much the man in...
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A Letter to Voters
"As your candidate, I promise to be not only different, but better, than all of you..." Dear Registered Voter: With the election season upon us yet again, like an overaggressive and needy lover, I just...
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The Stabbing Knife Vol. 2 – Garth Brooks
Roberto prepares for Daylight Savings Time with several stabbing and thrusting exercises. Garth Brooks is back. Ending eight years of self-imposed retirement to start an open-ended run of shows at the...
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The Fancy Plans Guide to Illegal Drugs
In an effort to educate, divert stoner pageviews and retain our title of “Enabler of the Year,” we at Fancy Plans present our well-rounded guide to illegal drugs. Please note that the editors of this...
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The Stabbing Knife Vol. 4 – Bono
Not crazy. Just stabby. [After a 2-month hiatus, the Stabbing Knife returns! And it brought presents! Nice, stabbed little presents! Awww... And yes, I have stabbed before.] Once upon a time, there was...
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Leaked! – TSA Internal Memo
Making the skies safer, one nap at a time... To all TSA (Travel Security Administration) personnel: As America’s last line of defense in the fight against domestic terrorism, we have instituted the...
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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 3
[And here it is... the last episode of the fakest family tree to ever grace WordPress. Originally published July 7, 2009.] Time for another dive into the historic dumpster called “Great Lion Tamers of...
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Income Inequality: the Imaginary Powderkeg
Mother Jones recently published a set of infographics on income equality in America, which is understandably kicking up some dust around various corners of the internet. The numbers are shocking: the...
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